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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
pop quiz
inspired by a (semi? non?) accurate observation my prof made about my personality the other day, i had the sudden urge to test myself with some of the personality inventories available online. anyway, i stumbled across this one site and took most of their tests... some were lighter in nature, others more complex and profound. looking at some of my results, i dunno whether to laugh or cry laughing! i'm all over the place. i took the myers-briggs inventory last semester and there was enough fluctuation then, but i thought i finally got it right in the end. apparently i've changed again. and the end descriptions i got for some of the tests were so negative and depressing, it was hilarious really... but there's always a bit of truth behind all humour, so yah... dunno what to make of it all. except laugh :) the word association test is what i would consider one of the lighter ones... they give you a bunch of words that you're supposed to rate as positive, negative or neutral, and the premise is that answering delays may correspond to issues with that particular word. my top 5 delays are listed below. i don't really believe this means anything ;)
Take Word Association Test
Monday, January 30, 2006
*sniffle*
i got a cold over the wknd. not sure why... the weather, maybe? anyway, i hate colds... the nasal congestion drives me insane at night. and now i'm so dehydrated... in class today i felt like my lips were gonna fall off my face. so what did i do about it? buy myself a cup of coffee, of course... you know, the best hydrating drink ever.
i'm trying to be healthy, really ;) but it's sooo hard. my chocolate consumption has sky-rocketed since last month and it's hard enough to control that. though i've cut down a bit as of late. of course, when i've eaten up all my chocolate and i haven't gone out to buy some more, it makes cutting down a little easier. people, PLEASE, for the sake of my health, do not feed me chocolate!!
my mom mixed in some brown rice with the white for last night's dinner. i flipped. i can eat brown rice at other people's houses, but when it's being cooked in my own kitchen, for some reason it drives me nuts. yes yes, it's healthy, i know, but i'm not asking for much... i have very simple tastes... i'm perfectly happy with stuff like white rice, white bread, broth... heck, i could have that as a meal! but please, leave my white rice and white bread alone!
although... i did see a commercial on tv [confession: i started watching american idol a coupla weeks ago] and apparently wonderbread has this new kind of bread that has all the nutrients of brown bread except it still tastes just like their white bread. now THAT'S innovation! i'll have to try some and see for myself if the bread lives up to what it promises in the commercial.
ughhh... i hate the sniffles......
p.s. i don't like DADF#AD tuning. sorry B, but my bar chords sound horrible! my fingers weren't meant to bar. i could even stretch that and say they weren't meant to play guitar... but i don't want samuel to feel unloved :P
i'm trying to be healthy, really ;) but it's sooo hard. my chocolate consumption has sky-rocketed since last month and it's hard enough to control that. though i've cut down a bit as of late. of course, when i've eaten up all my chocolate and i haven't gone out to buy some more, it makes cutting down a little easier. people, PLEASE, for the sake of my health, do not feed me chocolate!!
my mom mixed in some brown rice with the white for last night's dinner. i flipped. i can eat brown rice at other people's houses, but when it's being cooked in my own kitchen, for some reason it drives me nuts. yes yes, it's healthy, i know, but i'm not asking for much... i have very simple tastes... i'm perfectly happy with stuff like white rice, white bread, broth... heck, i could have that as a meal! but please, leave my white rice and white bread alone!
although... i did see a commercial on tv [confession: i started watching american idol a coupla weeks ago] and apparently wonderbread has this new kind of bread that has all the nutrients of brown bread except it still tastes just like their white bread. now THAT'S innovation! i'll have to try some and see for myself if the bread lives up to what it promises in the commercial.
ughhh... i hate the sniffles......
p.s. i don't like DADF#AD tuning. sorry B, but my bar chords sound horrible! my fingers weren't meant to bar. i could even stretch that and say they weren't meant to play guitar... but i don't want samuel to feel unloved :P
Monday, January 23, 2006
holy DADGAD, batman!
alternate tuning, where have you been all my life?!
to think i coulda been playing open DADGAD chords all this time... *smacking forehead*
anyway, i came up with a name for my guitar:
- samuel Xavier martin -
what? explain the name? sure! his first name is samuel because he's a lot like old testament samuel. hannah (which coincidentally means grace) was barren and she prayed earnestly for a son, promising the Lord that if He blessed her with one, she would "give him to the Lord all the days of his life" (1 Sam 1:11 NASB). did you know that i went eight years without my own guitar?? yah... so anyway, when the Lord blessed hannah with a son, "she named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I have asked him of the Lord' " (v. 20). well same here. and so, like hannah, "for this boy [guitar] i prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which i asked of Him. so i have also dedicated him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the Lord" (v. 27-28).
his middle name is Xavier because i wanted to name him after the X-series line that he's from... model 000X1, to be exact. and his last name is martin cuz... well, cuz he's a martin!
---
i have a confession to make. i was actually praying for a piano :P but i guess i wasn't meant to have one. yet. anyway, i'm very happy with samuel :) and besides, there are too many female guitars at church... they're all gonna be fighting over samuel! granted, he's smaller and skinnier and more fragile than they are... not much to look at... but he's still da man ;)
to think i coulda been playing open DADGAD chords all this time... *smacking forehead*
anyway, i came up with a name for my guitar:
- samuel Xavier martin -
what? explain the name? sure! his first name is samuel because he's a lot like old testament samuel. hannah (which coincidentally means grace) was barren and she prayed earnestly for a son, promising the Lord that if He blessed her with one, she would "give him to the Lord all the days of his life" (1 Sam 1:11 NASB). did you know that i went eight years without my own guitar?? yah... so anyway, when the Lord blessed hannah with a son, "she named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I have asked him of the Lord' " (v. 20). well same here. and so, like hannah, "for this boy [guitar] i prayed, and the Lord has given me my petition which i asked of Him. so i have also dedicated him to the Lord; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the Lord" (v. 27-28).
his middle name is Xavier because i wanted to name him after the X-series line that he's from... model 000X1, to be exact. and his last name is martin cuz... well, cuz he's a martin!
---
i have a confession to make. i was actually praying for a piano :P but i guess i wasn't meant to have one. yet. anyway, i'm very happy with samuel :) and besides, there are too many female guitars at church... they're all gonna be fighting over samuel! granted, he's smaller and skinnier and more fragile than they are... not much to look at... but he's still da man ;)
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
much ado about nothing
my patience is wearing thin with my applications...
the CanIL one was easy enough. too bad i couldn't pay online, but that's ok... so i have to bust out my chequebook, write out a cheque, stick it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and mail it... but i thought the whole point of an online application was to avoid the whole mailing hassle? anyway, that's fine. though i wish i had known earlier, then i woulda just snailmailed the whole package. transcript-wise, UofT's ROSI is really convenient... i request it online, pay it online, and they send it out for me which saves me the time and effort of making the trek downtown and using up another stamp. so i can't complain there. (and sorry to be so hung up on the stamps, but first of all, i don't mail things out on a regular basis so it's not like i own a set of stamps that i can grab at my convenience... anything i need to mail out will require an extra trip down to the nearest post office, which requires even more time and effort, not to mention the added hassle of arranging transportation since vehicles are not readily available at my house.) tyndale, on the other hand...... anyway, that's ok. i'll work it out with them at the end of the month after transcripts are available.
but ACTS... yes, that application is really something... so first of all, i opted for the online application. but i can't just start applying, i have to create an account with TWU. ok, that's fine. so they sent all the login info to my email account. great. wait... where is it? usually these things get sent within the minute. well... that's ok, i'll just wait patiently... go down and grab a quick snack. honestly, i don't know how long i actually waited, but i couldn't wait any longer so i resubmitted my request. a few minutes later, i get the email. so i try to log in with it... but it doesn't work! oh, wait, could it be because i resubmitted my request and so they resetted my password and now i have to wait for the second email? lovely. ok... so i get the second email after some time, log in, and *finally* begin the application.
one of my peeves (and again i have to apologize for the whining, but i'm afraid i might implode if i don't) is when applications don't give me enough space to write out my whole name. yes, it's a bit on the long side, but it's not that long!!! the ACTS application gives 15 spaces for first names. my whole first name, including the two spaces separating the three names, takes up 16 spaces. so what do i do? combine the first two? cut off a letter? only use 'grace'? for unofficial things, maybe... but not for an application. so i sat there annoyed for a few minutes and eventually typed in 'Merry June Grac', and right below it, in the preferred name box, i typed 'Grace (won't fit above)'. so then i was satisfied. but then my dear observant brain caught something... how many spaces does 'Grace (won't fit above)' take up? count them, ppl... 23!!! i proceeded to count the total number of available spaces in that box. 3o. 30, ppl!! because you know, generally people have these short official first names of less than 15 characters that appear on their birth certificates, but when it comes to what they want people to call them, these preferred names have the tendency to be MUCH MUCH longer, twice as long in fact, up to 30 spaces long!
ok. moving on. so i filled out my step 2 personal info just fine. oh yah, all that stuff above, that counts as my contact info, step 1. there are 14 steps in total to this application. but as soon as i got to step 3... oh boy, here we go again.
when i first found out about ACTS seminaries, i thought it was one big school made up of a bunch of little schools in collaboration with each other. i wasn't totally wrong, but really, i should've known better after being severely scarred by UofT. let me briefly explain myself before i go on.
my entire UofT story is a novel in itself, but anyway... if i had to give advice to prospective students, i would tell them the exact opposite of what those horrible people at the university fair told me: NO, UofT is NOT the same wherever you attend, and YES, it makes a HUGE difference what campus you choose, because NO, they are NOT the same even if they offer the same programs, so DO NOT get fooled and think you can easily transfer from one campus to another because it's the same university anyway, because each campus runs things so differently from one another that they might as well be separate universities! the most ridiculous example i can come up with about my own devastating transfer from UTSC to St. George is the fact that my first year bio wasn't directly transferrable because scarborough campus lacked an evolution component, and my first year chem only counted for half a credit because scarborough campus lacked an organic component. and these are core first-year science courses, ppl! RIDICULOUS! THEY'RE BOTH UOFT! shouldn't at least their core courses be transferrable?? ahhh, but now you see what i mean... anyway, some of you know that the theory of evolution doesn't sit well with me, especially back then when i was particularly headstrong in my 'creationist' mindset, so imagine what went on in my head when i found out that i HAD to take an evolution course in order for my program requirement of first year bio to count so that i could graduate... yah. and the chem? i can't remember how i worked that one out, but that's ok, i don't wanna dwell on this subject anymore.
ok, back to my ACTS application. so i'm on step 3, academic interests, and i come upon this...
My seminary choice is:
oh. ok. interesting. no wonder no one's ever heard of ACTS... people keep giving me these blank faces whenever i mention it. now i know why. it's just an umbrella title. cuz i'm sure people have heard of trinity western or canadian baptist or pentecostal or any of the other seminaries mentioned.
so after my short-lived eureka moment, the dilemma began to sink in... which seminary do i choose?? i didn't even realize i had to choose one! my church is non-denominational (at least that's what p. andrew told me when i applied to tyndale) so that doesn't help. if i opt for no preference, that means they'll be choosing for me and who knows where they'll stick me! i might as well make an informed decision. so i emailed a wise friend of mine (who also happens to be a pastor and living out west) hoping that he would share a bit of wisdom and guidance in the matter. and of course, some prayer is needed before i make my final decision.
in the meantime, i wanted to skip the question. the next one asks, where did i hear about ACTS? so some parts of the application are required and others are optional. unbelievably, this is one of their mandatory questions. that's fine, i wouldn't even mention this question, except for the fact that i couldn't choose! 15 choices and none of them were 'from another seminary' or 'in a coursebook' or something along those lines... and no, they didn't have 'none of the above' or even 'other' which usually comes with a blank for me to write something in. so i couldn't make up my mind which lie to choose (cuz that's what i'm essentially doing if none of the given choices were how i really heard about ACTS), so i wanted to skip the whole page and go on to the next step.
they wouldn't let me. i have to fill out ALL of the required fields before i can move on to any of the other pages. and yah, i have to go through the steps chronologically, so until i decide what seminary to study under and what lie to choose about how i heard of ACTS, i can't fill out anything else. isn't that just lovely?? and to top it all off, i recalled the payment incident with my CanIL application so i wanted to find out if ACTS accepts online payment, but that's not until step 12.
and...... that's all for now.
excuse me, i'll be needing my chocolate fix for the afternoon.
the CanIL one was easy enough. too bad i couldn't pay online, but that's ok... so i have to bust out my chequebook, write out a cheque, stick it in an envelope, put a stamp on it and mail it... but i thought the whole point of an online application was to avoid the whole mailing hassle? anyway, that's fine. though i wish i had known earlier, then i woulda just snailmailed the whole package. transcript-wise, UofT's ROSI is really convenient... i request it online, pay it online, and they send it out for me which saves me the time and effort of making the trek downtown and using up another stamp. so i can't complain there. (and sorry to be so hung up on the stamps, but first of all, i don't mail things out on a regular basis so it's not like i own a set of stamps that i can grab at my convenience... anything i need to mail out will require an extra trip down to the nearest post office, which requires even more time and effort, not to mention the added hassle of arranging transportation since vehicles are not readily available at my house.) tyndale, on the other hand...... anyway, that's ok. i'll work it out with them at the end of the month after transcripts are available.
but ACTS... yes, that application is really something... so first of all, i opted for the online application. but i can't just start applying, i have to create an account with TWU. ok, that's fine. so they sent all the login info to my email account. great. wait... where is it? usually these things get sent within the minute. well... that's ok, i'll just wait patiently... go down and grab a quick snack. honestly, i don't know how long i actually waited, but i couldn't wait any longer so i resubmitted my request. a few minutes later, i get the email. so i try to log in with it... but it doesn't work! oh, wait, could it be because i resubmitted my request and so they resetted my password and now i have to wait for the second email? lovely. ok... so i get the second email after some time, log in, and *finally* begin the application.
one of my peeves (and again i have to apologize for the whining, but i'm afraid i might implode if i don't) is when applications don't give me enough space to write out my whole name. yes, it's a bit on the long side, but it's not that long!!! the ACTS application gives 15 spaces for first names. my whole first name, including the two spaces separating the three names, takes up 16 spaces. so what do i do? combine the first two? cut off a letter? only use 'grace'? for unofficial things, maybe... but not for an application. so i sat there annoyed for a few minutes and eventually typed in 'Merry June Grac', and right below it, in the preferred name box, i typed 'Grace (won't fit above)'. so then i was satisfied. but then my dear observant brain caught something... how many spaces does 'Grace (won't fit above)' take up? count them, ppl... 23!!! i proceeded to count the total number of available spaces in that box. 3o. 30, ppl!! because you know, generally people have these short official first names of less than 15 characters that appear on their birth certificates, but when it comes to what they want people to call them, these preferred names have the tendency to be MUCH MUCH longer, twice as long in fact, up to 30 spaces long!
ok. moving on. so i filled out my step 2 personal info just fine. oh yah, all that stuff above, that counts as my contact info, step 1. there are 14 steps in total to this application. but as soon as i got to step 3... oh boy, here we go again.
when i first found out about ACTS seminaries, i thought it was one big school made up of a bunch of little schools in collaboration with each other. i wasn't totally wrong, but really, i should've known better after being severely scarred by UofT. let me briefly explain myself before i go on.
my entire UofT story is a novel in itself, but anyway... if i had to give advice to prospective students, i would tell them the exact opposite of what those horrible people at the university fair told me: NO, UofT is NOT the same wherever you attend, and YES, it makes a HUGE difference what campus you choose, because NO, they are NOT the same even if they offer the same programs, so DO NOT get fooled and think you can easily transfer from one campus to another because it's the same university anyway, because each campus runs things so differently from one another that they might as well be separate universities! the most ridiculous example i can come up with about my own devastating transfer from UTSC to St. George is the fact that my first year bio wasn't directly transferrable because scarborough campus lacked an evolution component, and my first year chem only counted for half a credit because scarborough campus lacked an organic component. and these are core first-year science courses, ppl! RIDICULOUS! THEY'RE BOTH UOFT! shouldn't at least their core courses be transferrable?? ahhh, but now you see what i mean... anyway, some of you know that the theory of evolution doesn't sit well with me, especially back then when i was particularly headstrong in my 'creationist' mindset, so imagine what went on in my head when i found out that i HAD to take an evolution course in order for my program requirement of first year bio to count so that i could graduate... yah. and the chem? i can't remember how i worked that one out, but that's ok, i don't wanna dwell on this subject anymore.
ok, back to my ACTS application. so i'm on step 3, academic interests, and i come upon this...
My seminary choice is:
- Canadian Baptist Seminary
- Canadian Pentecostal Seminary
- Candadian Theological Seminary
- Northwest Baptist Seminary
- Trinity Western Seminary
- Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary
- No Preference
* ACTS is associated with six theological seminaries. Please select one from the list above to study under.
oh. ok. interesting. no wonder no one's ever heard of ACTS... people keep giving me these blank faces whenever i mention it. now i know why. it's just an umbrella title. cuz i'm sure people have heard of trinity western or canadian baptist or pentecostal or any of the other seminaries mentioned.
so after my short-lived eureka moment, the dilemma began to sink in... which seminary do i choose?? i didn't even realize i had to choose one! my church is non-denominational (at least that's what p. andrew told me when i applied to tyndale) so that doesn't help. if i opt for no preference, that means they'll be choosing for me and who knows where they'll stick me! i might as well make an informed decision. so i emailed a wise friend of mine (who also happens to be a pastor and living out west) hoping that he would share a bit of wisdom and guidance in the matter. and of course, some prayer is needed before i make my final decision.
in the meantime, i wanted to skip the question. the next one asks, where did i hear about ACTS? so some parts of the application are required and others are optional. unbelievably, this is one of their mandatory questions. that's fine, i wouldn't even mention this question, except for the fact that i couldn't choose! 15 choices and none of them were 'from another seminary' or 'in a coursebook' or something along those lines... and no, they didn't have 'none of the above' or even 'other' which usually comes with a blank for me to write something in. so i couldn't make up my mind which lie to choose (cuz that's what i'm essentially doing if none of the given choices were how i really heard about ACTS), so i wanted to skip the whole page and go on to the next step.
they wouldn't let me. i have to fill out ALL of the required fields before i can move on to any of the other pages. and yah, i have to go through the steps chronologically, so until i decide what seminary to study under and what lie to choose about how i heard of ACTS, i can't fill out anything else. isn't that just lovely?? and to top it all off, i recalled the payment incident with my CanIL application so i wanted to find out if ACTS accepts online payment, but that's not until step 12.
and...... that's all for now.
excuse me, i'll be needing my chocolate fix for the afternoon.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
weeeeee
it's a skating rink out there! i nearly slipped five times this afternoon by virtue of just standing... of course, there were several contributing factors (aside from the freezing rain): no-grip shoes, sloped ground, strong winds, and lack of mass. the funniest was at the gas station... i stepped out of the van with one foot on the ground and one hand on the door, only to have this big gust of wind blow the door out and me along with it. i did slip, but i was clinging to the door so i managed to keep my butt off the ground. i had to pull myself along just to get to the tank, and i had to hold on to the van while pumping the gas cuz the wind kept blowing and the ground was sloped and i kept gliding away......
Monday, January 16, 2006
amandes chocolat
i scarfed down an entire box of chocolate-covered almonds in one sitting just now.
and now i have the hiccups. not to mention all the saturated fats i need for the next two days.
warning: don't try this at home.
and now i have the hiccups. not to mention all the saturated fats i need for the next two days.
warning: don't try this at home.
Friday, January 13, 2006
no words
speaking of Christian... this totally blew me away:
http://headtochrist.com/
make sure to check out the whole site... bio, journal, news, everything...
let me know what you think.
http://headtochrist.com/
make sure to check out the whole site... bio, journal, news, everything...
let me know what you think.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
over drinks
i don't normally post on the spur of the moment, but this reeeaallly had me thinking:
"we're automatically drawn to God..." (that is, the evidence of His presence in other people's lives.)
this was the explanation a friend gave me over drinks tonight. yah, i know, it's not Christian rocket science... but if you were to suddenly realize that this is what's governing all the laws of attraction in your world, i bet you would have a eureka moment too.
"we're automatically drawn to God..." (that is, the evidence of His presence in other people's lives.)
this was the explanation a friend gave me over drinks tonight. yah, i know, it's not Christian rocket science... but if you were to suddenly realize that this is what's governing all the laws of attraction in your world, i bet you would have a eureka moment too.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
it's morphin' time ;)
happy new year, tout le monde!
so i thought i'd change the look of my blog a bit. you know, make the switch from one default template to another. hard work, i know.
i didn't get as much rest as i would've liked over the holidays. i was writing papers up until the morning i left for san diego, and the entire trip was pretty jam-packed and more stressful than your average vacation (though i was able to marvel at God's creation a few times, and those precious moments alone made the trip worth it). for the second year in a row, i spent the bulk of my birthday in an airport / on a plane and was barely awake for the countdown. and then i blinked and found myself back in school first week into the new year. and yes, i'm already behind... ugggghh.
so what was i doing a year ago today?
i was able to visit the hospital i was born in just over 24 years ago.
i also got a chance to visit my old house.
i took these pics from my yahoo photo album of last year's trip to the philippines. click here for a refresher.
i would've made an album of my cali trip, but i had to leave my camera behind for my dad to use. my mom took a million pics, but it's not the same cuz it's not my story to tell. though i might post the odd pic... like the one of the chocolate fountain at my aunt's wedding. i'm drooling just thinking about it!! next time, next time.
so i thought i'd change the look of my blog a bit. you know, make the switch from one default template to another. hard work, i know.
i didn't get as much rest as i would've liked over the holidays. i was writing papers up until the morning i left for san diego, and the entire trip was pretty jam-packed and more stressful than your average vacation (though i was able to marvel at God's creation a few times, and those precious moments alone made the trip worth it). for the second year in a row, i spent the bulk of my birthday in an airport / on a plane and was barely awake for the countdown. and then i blinked and found myself back in school first week into the new year. and yes, i'm already behind... ugggghh.
so what was i doing a year ago today?
i was able to visit the hospital i was born in just over 24 years ago.
i also got a chance to visit my old house.
i took these pics from my yahoo photo album of last year's trip to the philippines. click here for a refresher.
i would've made an album of my cali trip, but i had to leave my camera behind for my dad to use. my mom took a million pics, but it's not the same cuz it's not my story to tell. though i might post the odd pic... like the one of the chocolate fountain at my aunt's wedding. i'm drooling just thinking about it!! next time, next time.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
done
no, not my papers... still got two of those outstanding.
(i know. pathetic. simply pathetic.)
by the time i get them done and submitted, i'll have just enough time to pack and i'm off for the holidays. so this'll be my last post of the year. should be real nice and sunny where i'm at ;)
i'll leave off with these heartfelt words:
cheers ;)
(i know. pathetic. simply pathetic.)
by the time i get them done and submitted, i'll have just enough time to pack and i'm off for the holidays. so this'll be my last post of the year. should be real nice and sunny where i'm at ;)
i'll leave off with these heartfelt words:
- watch out, steer clear of them mistletoes
- be very careful what you wish for
- don't let gluttony add to those love handles
- no boxing on boxing day please. be nice
cheers ;)
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
the age of the wuss
anyone catch that article in the oct31 issue of maclean's?
i was bored at work so i went through the office's stack of magazines and... well, the title alone piqued my curiosity.
and so i read it. very interesting. i'm not even sure where to begin...
After all their 'evolving,' men run the risk of obscuring the meaning of male altogether
haha... yeah...
"A few years ago, I might have said that men didn't take care of themselves enough," she says. "Now they're doing so more and more -- maybe too much. With these men, I could not fall in love."
yeah...
But men in the 21st century face a challenge. It is less a test of their masculinity than a search for masculinity itself.
yeah...
But according to some researchers, women bear some responsibility for the current male malaise, because they've been sending conflicting signals about what they want from men.
yeah...
(if only i could submit papers in this fashion!)
i was bored at work so i went through the office's stack of magazines and... well, the title alone piqued my curiosity.
and so i read it. very interesting. i'm not even sure where to begin...
After all their 'evolving,' men run the risk of obscuring the meaning of male altogether
haha... yeah...
"A few years ago, I might have said that men didn't take care of themselves enough," she says. "Now they're doing so more and more -- maybe too much. With these men, I could not fall in love."
yeah...
But men in the 21st century face a challenge. It is less a test of their masculinity than a search for masculinity itself.
yeah...
But according to some researchers, women bear some responsibility for the current male malaise, because they've been sending conflicting signals about what they want from men.
yeah...
(if only i could submit papers in this fashion!)
Sunday, December 11, 2005
weapons, etc.
i was watching my old school do a wushu demo today and i got really nostalgic. yet again. (this is not the first time, nor will it be the last.)
there are certain things in life that leave a mark on a person in such a way that no amount of time or space or distance or anything could ever wipe it out completely. kinda like frodo in LOTR, when he got stabbed by a black rider at weathertop. (if you don't know what i'm talking about, go read the book(s)... and if you really can't, only then should you watch it on dvd :P )
i have many such marks. this is one of them. my hands haven't held a weapon in so long, and i admit that i miss the feeling. i miss the experience. i miss the physical training and rigorous exercise. i miss the competitiveness and the drive to win. i miss the old team and the camaraderie we had. i miss the art of the performance. i miss my straightsword, my spear... and my other weapons too. i miss my C7 (and C9 and C6) and my 76-mm L23A1. man, what i would give to fire one more round......
but i hold a different kind of weapon now. it's really strange, almost funny... all my life i've been preparing myself to fight different kinds of battles, and i think it's all part of God's plan for me. He's raised a female warrior for Himself ;) and even though it doesn't feel like it (with all the reading and writing and studying and eating and sleeping and NO EXERCISE), i don't believe He ever took me out of battle mode... He's just training me to fight a different kind of battle. so He's given me new "night-vision goggles" (which i'm still getting used to btw... having a bit of trouble spotting the enemy) to scope out the spiritual battle scene, and as for my new weapons, they're not really new since i've had them all along... but now i gotta treat them like actual weapons. there's no way i'm sitting out of this battle! BRING IT!!!
---
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12
there are certain things in life that leave a mark on a person in such a way that no amount of time or space or distance or anything could ever wipe it out completely. kinda like frodo in LOTR, when he got stabbed by a black rider at weathertop. (if you don't know what i'm talking about, go read the book(s)... and if you really can't, only then should you watch it on dvd :P )
i have many such marks. this is one of them. my hands haven't held a weapon in so long, and i admit that i miss the feeling. i miss the experience. i miss the physical training and rigorous exercise. i miss the competitiveness and the drive to win. i miss the old team and the camaraderie we had. i miss the art of the performance. i miss my straightsword, my spear... and my other weapons too. i miss my C7 (and C9 and C6) and my 76-mm L23A1. man, what i would give to fire one more round......
but i hold a different kind of weapon now. it's really strange, almost funny... all my life i've been preparing myself to fight different kinds of battles, and i think it's all part of God's plan for me. He's raised a female warrior for Himself ;) and even though it doesn't feel like it (with all the reading and writing and studying and eating and sleeping and NO EXERCISE), i don't believe He ever took me out of battle mode... He's just training me to fight a different kind of battle. so He's given me new "night-vision goggles" (which i'm still getting used to btw... having a bit of trouble spotting the enemy) to scope out the spiritual battle scene, and as for my new weapons, they're not really new since i've had them all along... but now i gotta treat them like actual weapons. there's no way i'm sitting out of this battle! BRING IT!!!
---
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12
Monday, December 05, 2005
VEXED
memory stinks!!! to sheol with memory!!!
i can't recall what i wanna recall,
i can't retain what i wanna retain,
and the real clincher for me is
i can't forget what i wanna forget!!!
gaahhh!!! vanity of vanities!!!
---
"Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain."
Ecclesiastes 1:18
i can't recall what i wanna recall,
i can't retain what i wanna retain,
and the real clincher for me is
i can't forget what i wanna forget!!!
gaahhh!!! vanity of vanities!!!
---
"Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain."
Ecclesiastes 1:18
(no, not procrastinating this time.)
i just can't seem to stay asleep. this is the third time i've woken up tonight. must be the coffee. i thought it was a large, but it could very well have been an extra large... what was my mom thinking?? she's the one with the exam. i actually wanna sleep! though i suppose i didn't have to drink the whole cup... (yah right, like i would ever waste coffee in my right mind...)
lately, i've been forcing myself to wake up when my body naturally wants to continue sleeping, and as a result i get these flashes from my dreams... when i was young, i used to vividly remember them all, and then something happened to my memory (i blame university) and i could no longer remember my dreams. but if i catch myself half-asleep, i'll remember bits of my dream for a few minutes.
goodness, they've been extreme lately... or maybe they've always been extreme, but i never remember enough to think so. another word i would use to describe my dreams is 'afflicted'... in some ways, i feel like my dreams are an outlet of the sins that i consciously try to avoid in my wakeful state. i remember one time going to bed in such peace and with all these good thoughts, having just had a wonderful talk with God, and when i woke up the next morning with a momentary glimpse of what i had just been dreaming about, i freaked and felt the need to repent of the atrocities that were taking place in my unconscious mind. so i've started asking Him to guard my dreams... but i still keep having awful ones. not all the time, but a lot of the time. (sometimes equivalent to outright nightmares, in which case i wake up the next day with a frown line between my eyebrows that takes hours to go away. aagh, wrinkles!) obviously i'm not understanding how this whole dream business really works or what purpose it serves in my case...... i guess the only reason i'm freaking out is cuz i can't control it. my whole life should serve to glorify God, whether i'm asleep or awake, and i really don't see my dreams as God-glorifying at all. wish He would just resolve this for me.
lately, i've been forcing myself to wake up when my body naturally wants to continue sleeping, and as a result i get these flashes from my dreams... when i was young, i used to vividly remember them all, and then something happened to my memory (i blame university) and i could no longer remember my dreams. but if i catch myself half-asleep, i'll remember bits of my dream for a few minutes.
goodness, they've been extreme lately... or maybe they've always been extreme, but i never remember enough to think so. another word i would use to describe my dreams is 'afflicted'... in some ways, i feel like my dreams are an outlet of the sins that i consciously try to avoid in my wakeful state. i remember one time going to bed in such peace and with all these good thoughts, having just had a wonderful talk with God, and when i woke up the next morning with a momentary glimpse of what i had just been dreaming about, i freaked and felt the need to repent of the atrocities that were taking place in my unconscious mind. so i've started asking Him to guard my dreams... but i still keep having awful ones. not all the time, but a lot of the time. (sometimes equivalent to outright nightmares, in which case i wake up the next day with a frown line between my eyebrows that takes hours to go away. aagh, wrinkles!) obviously i'm not understanding how this whole dream business really works or what purpose it serves in my case...... i guess the only reason i'm freaking out is cuz i can't control it. my whole life should serve to glorify God, whether i'm asleep or awake, and i really don't see my dreams as God-glorifying at all. wish He would just resolve this for me.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
(procrastinating. part deux.)
i went to the mall today. it was a necessary excursion.
but what i came out with was not what i went there to get.
bad grace bad!!! no peace for me tonight. and no chocolate either.
i think i need to make at least one return. which also means i need to go back to the mall. aaagh!!
seriously, the minute that return is processed, i need to make like joseph and FLEE from that cursed, money-sucking black hole of a place......
---
apacible adj. calm, gentle [n. apacibilidad]
that's a spanish word, by the way. (many filipino surnames are.) and please pronounce it right... it's AHH-pah-SEE-bleh. happens to be my middle name, my brother's middle name, my mom's maiden name, and my grandfather's surname... or so i thought.
i learned something interesting today. my great-grandfather had the surname of patugalan. my grandfather should've been a patugalan. my relations on that side are all patugalans. it was my great-grandmother whose last name was apacible. she died and my grandfather was her only child. but my great-grandfather remarried and had other patugalan children. apparently, my grandfather was the very last of the apacibles... no one else from his mother's side to carry on the line. in order for the apacible line to continue, they changed his last name to reflect his mother's line... and thus, the apacible line continues to this day. (normally i'm quite embarrassed about my unusual middle name, but i feel honoured now that i know the story behind it.)
onto my paternal side... so my dad's roots are in fujian province. he just came back from a trip to china and we apparently own some land in xiamen! well, sort of... our particular TAN line corporately owns a chunk of land, and any (male) tans are entitled to claim their share if they so choose. i dunno, maybe this is considered a normal thing in china, but it's news to me. and i think my dad's actually interested in claiming his lot... which really amuses me for some reason. and they're even in the process of building this huge tan "shrine" (i dunno how else to call it, but i hope it's not a worshipping kind of place) with the names of all the tans... again, just the males (no comment!)... but anyway, it's nice to find out stuff like this. one of these days i'm gonna work out my whole geneaology.
but what i came out with was not what i went there to get.
bad grace bad!!! no peace for me tonight. and no chocolate either.
i think i need to make at least one return. which also means i need to go back to the mall. aaagh!!
seriously, the minute that return is processed, i need to make like joseph and FLEE from that cursed, money-sucking black hole of a place......
---
apacible adj. calm, gentle [n. apacibilidad]
that's a spanish word, by the way. (many filipino surnames are.) and please pronounce it right... it's AHH-pah-SEE-bleh. happens to be my middle name, my brother's middle name, my mom's maiden name, and my grandfather's surname... or so i thought.
i learned something interesting today. my great-grandfather had the surname of patugalan. my grandfather should've been a patugalan. my relations on that side are all patugalans. it was my great-grandmother whose last name was apacible. she died and my grandfather was her only child. but my great-grandfather remarried and had other patugalan children. apparently, my grandfather was the very last of the apacibles... no one else from his mother's side to carry on the line. in order for the apacible line to continue, they changed his last name to reflect his mother's line... and thus, the apacible line continues to this day. (normally i'm quite embarrassed about my unusual middle name, but i feel honoured now that i know the story behind it.)
onto my paternal side... so my dad's roots are in fujian province. he just came back from a trip to china and we apparently own some land in xiamen! well, sort of... our particular TAN line corporately owns a chunk of land, and any (male) tans are entitled to claim their share if they so choose. i dunno, maybe this is considered a normal thing in china, but it's news to me. and i think my dad's actually interested in claiming his lot... which really amuses me for some reason. and they're even in the process of building this huge tan "shrine" (i dunno how else to call it, but i hope it's not a worshipping kind of place) with the names of all the tans... again, just the males (no comment!)... but anyway, it's nice to find out stuff like this. one of these days i'm gonna work out my whole geneaology.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
(yes. i am procrastinating.)
i think i'm too hard on my mom sometimes. or i don't give her enough credit.
with the two of us going back to school this year, she is doing so much better than me. that woman just triumphs under pressure... i'm constantly caving in. she's just as disciplined as she is passionate, whereas passion runs my entire agenda (and we all know how often passion fluctuates).
she's the kind that would run for student council (she's already a student rep for her program), whereas i would go out of my way to avoid those kinds of social obligations. she's classmates with people mostly my age and i'm classmates with people mostly her age. in fact, her closest friend at school is only a year older than me.
there is something so very skewed about all of this.
anyway, she's doing really well and i'm happy for her. sometimes i feel so bogged down with a double workload of papers cuz she's always asking me to proofread/re-word hers, but all i have to do is hear her squeal for joy and hold her back from hugging me to death and see the good marks she's getting... then i remember that it's all worth it.
sigh... back to late paper #3 for me.
with the two of us going back to school this year, she is doing so much better than me. that woman just triumphs under pressure... i'm constantly caving in. she's just as disciplined as she is passionate, whereas passion runs my entire agenda (and we all know how often passion fluctuates).
she's the kind that would run for student council (she's already a student rep for her program), whereas i would go out of my way to avoid those kinds of social obligations. she's classmates with people mostly my age and i'm classmates with people mostly her age. in fact, her closest friend at school is only a year older than me.
there is something so very skewed about all of this.
anyway, she's doing really well and i'm happy for her. sometimes i feel so bogged down with a double workload of papers cuz she's always asking me to proofread/re-word hers, but all i have to do is hear her squeal for joy and hold her back from hugging me to death and see the good marks she's getting... then i remember that it's all worth it.
sigh... back to late paper #3 for me.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
"...for who i am..."
i hear it all the time.
"love me for who i am! accept me for who i am! appreciate me for who i am! {insert imperative verb} me for who i am!"
and i was just thinking... it's such a loaded demand. what dictates a person's identity anyway?
who are you? who am i? what makes me Me?
first response: i am {insert name}. but if i change my name, am i still Me? i believe so. therefore my name does not dictate my identity.
what about occupation? people seem really caught up in introducing themselves with their occupation... "hello, i am {insert name} and i work for {insert company} as a {insert occupation}. is occupation really so important? why is it one of the first things we tell people about ourselves? people switch occupations all the time, too... does a person's identity change each time? my perception of identity doesn't account for change based on occupation. i'm going from science to linguistics and i'm still Me.
what about gender? ahhh... and now we've entered the physical/corporeal realm of identity. if i were male, would i still be Me? it's easy to say no, but let's explore this a bit further. what makes a person male or female? seriously. i'm sure people answer this on different scales. genital parts? surgeries nowadays can add and take away accordingly. does this addition/subtraction change the essential identity of a person? i don't believe so. xx is xx and xy is xy and that can't change. if i lost my arm in an accident, am i any less human? i don't believe so... i would still consider myself Me. so if a person lost a genital part, are they no longer themselves? nice try, but no. it's like getting a name change... in the end, i'd still be Me.
let's extend the physical discussion. how far can people physically change themselves before they are no longer themselves? is it even possible? again, i guess it depends on your definition of identity. if i dye my hair and put on makeup, i'd still be Me. if i get braces and laser eye correction, i'd still be Me. if i entered myself into a senseless reality show like The Swan and got a whole body makeover to the point where i'm no longer anything like my old self, i'd still be Me (as much as i despise such methods). i say this because of those who suffer other extremes... for example, if i were to be caught in a fire and burned beyond recognition, would i still be Me? of course!
it's so tempting, then, to conclude that genetic make-up comprises a person's identity. what about cancer, then? do the cancerous parts of a person have a different identity from the healthy parts? what about hormone injections? implants?? that's donor DNA right there. i would still consider myself Me with someone else's organs. so then, what percentage of my DNA would contribute to me still being Me? 50%? what if i get all my organs replaced and end up with less than 50% of my original body? would i still be Me? i say... yes.
so whatever dictates my identity must be more than physical then. emotions? no. they're just expressions of identity; they don't control it. if i was an actress, i may be playing a part, but even then, i'd still be Me acting like someone else. personality? hard to tell... this kinda ties in with genetic make-up and hormones and what not. it's easy to manipulate certain aspects of a person's personality by given them medication to control their hormones. does this affect the identity of a person? i like to think not.
what about the mind? hmm. the mind, as in... what? the ability of the brain to manage the body? the ability to reason? consciousness itself? if something happened to reduce any of these abilities (ie. a person suffers a stroke or is in a coma), does the person still retain their original identity? if i am lying comatose and attached to a machine, am i still Me? it's getting trickier to answer, but... yah, i believe so. as long as i'm still breathing, my soul continues to dwell in my body.
soul... hmmmmm... let's continue with the above example. if someone were to pull the plug, when is it that i stop being Me? when i no longer show any vital signs, is that lifeless body still Me? do i still exist as Me after physical death? that is, does the Me in the former physical body equate to the same Me after the body has been shed and a new one is taken on in Heaven? i believe so.
i'm not sure there's a particular point i wanna drive home at the end of this lengthy ramble.
then again, who says i need a reason... hehe.
i'll end off with the following verse:
"love me for who i am! accept me for who i am! appreciate me for who i am! {insert imperative verb} me for who i am!"
and i was just thinking... it's such a loaded demand. what dictates a person's identity anyway?
who are you? who am i? what makes me Me?
first response: i am {insert name}. but if i change my name, am i still Me? i believe so. therefore my name does not dictate my identity.
what about occupation? people seem really caught up in introducing themselves with their occupation... "hello, i am {insert name} and i work for {insert company} as a {insert occupation}. is occupation really so important? why is it one of the first things we tell people about ourselves? people switch occupations all the time, too... does a person's identity change each time? my perception of identity doesn't account for change based on occupation. i'm going from science to linguistics and i'm still Me.
what about gender? ahhh... and now we've entered the physical/corporeal realm of identity. if i were male, would i still be Me? it's easy to say no, but let's explore this a bit further. what makes a person male or female? seriously. i'm sure people answer this on different scales. genital parts? surgeries nowadays can add and take away accordingly. does this addition/subtraction change the essential identity of a person? i don't believe so. xx is xx and xy is xy and that can't change. if i lost my arm in an accident, am i any less human? i don't believe so... i would still consider myself Me. so if a person lost a genital part, are they no longer themselves? nice try, but no. it's like getting a name change... in the end, i'd still be Me.
let's extend the physical discussion. how far can people physically change themselves before they are no longer themselves? is it even possible? again, i guess it depends on your definition of identity. if i dye my hair and put on makeup, i'd still be Me. if i get braces and laser eye correction, i'd still be Me. if i entered myself into a senseless reality show like The Swan and got a whole body makeover to the point where i'm no longer anything like my old self, i'd still be Me (as much as i despise such methods). i say this because of those who suffer other extremes... for example, if i were to be caught in a fire and burned beyond recognition, would i still be Me? of course!
it's so tempting, then, to conclude that genetic make-up comprises a person's identity. what about cancer, then? do the cancerous parts of a person have a different identity from the healthy parts? what about hormone injections? implants?? that's donor DNA right there. i would still consider myself Me with someone else's organs. so then, what percentage of my DNA would contribute to me still being Me? 50%? what if i get all my organs replaced and end up with less than 50% of my original body? would i still be Me? i say... yes.
so whatever dictates my identity must be more than physical then. emotions? no. they're just expressions of identity; they don't control it. if i was an actress, i may be playing a part, but even then, i'd still be Me acting like someone else. personality? hard to tell... this kinda ties in with genetic make-up and hormones and what not. it's easy to manipulate certain aspects of a person's personality by given them medication to control their hormones. does this affect the identity of a person? i like to think not.
what about the mind? hmm. the mind, as in... what? the ability of the brain to manage the body? the ability to reason? consciousness itself? if something happened to reduce any of these abilities (ie. a person suffers a stroke or is in a coma), does the person still retain their original identity? if i am lying comatose and attached to a machine, am i still Me? it's getting trickier to answer, but... yah, i believe so. as long as i'm still breathing, my soul continues to dwell in my body.
soul... hmmmmm... let's continue with the above example. if someone were to pull the plug, when is it that i stop being Me? when i no longer show any vital signs, is that lifeless body still Me? do i still exist as Me after physical death? that is, does the Me in the former physical body equate to the same Me after the body has been shed and a new one is taken on in Heaven? i believe so.
i'm not sure there's a particular point i wanna drive home at the end of this lengthy ramble.
then again, who says i need a reason... hehe.
i'll end off with the following verse:
"Come, let us worship and bow down,
Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker."
--
Psalms 95:6
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
indescribable
indescribable, uncontainable
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name
You are amazing, God
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name
You are amazing, God
...
tonight was so refreshing, so liberating...
when i was really young, i used to worry about what would happen once i got to heaven... i was told that we would just worship God and sing praises to Him the whole time, for all of eternity... and i was worried cuz i thought i'd get tired of praising Him after a while, and then what...
oh, how ignorant i was! how ignorant i still am about a lot of things!
who could possibly get tired of worshipping the Lord???
...
uncomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing, God
You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing, God
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