hate seems too strong a word for something as measly as marks. but B's really do drive me nuts. 79% is the worst. it screams "almost, close, but not good enough!" don't get me wrong... B is a good grade. it usually means above average. sometimes i get a B and i'm ok with it. but only if the assignment was late and i got penalized for it. when i'm penalized for late assignments (and they almost always are), for some strange reason i can accept whatever mark i'm given. i can even take an F for not handing something in. it's the mark i would've gotten before the penalty that really matters to me. if i took the extra time to make an assignment better, handed it in late, and got a B for it (i.e. A before the penalty), i could live with that mark. but if i hand something in on time and i get a B for it, it drives me crazy! i know it's the same mark...... and actually, life would be a lot easier if i just handed in above average work on time instead of handing in great work that's always late... but then... i wouldn't be me. people wonder why i don't try harder to meet assignment deadlines... maybe it's cuz deep down, i can't live with the consequences of being "not good enough." there's no excuse to fall back on. at least when something's late, the tardiness becomes somewhat of a scapegoat that i can blame for giving me a "not good enough" mark. without a late penalty, the blame falls on me. *i* am "not good enough" to deserve an A. now, i acknowledge that my way of thinking is totally messed up. totally. at the root of all this is pride... so subtle, yet so dangerous because it's not obvious. conceit is the most obvious form of pride: "i'm the best, and both you and i know it!" what i have is a kind of pseudo-humility. i don't think i'm good enough... but it doesn't end there. let's follow my line of thought. i don't think i'm good enough... because... i have the potential to be so much better. because... i think i have what it takes to excel. these aren't bad desires in themselves, but they can be easily blown out of perspective. in my particular case, to have such thoughts indicates that deep down, i must believe i really am "all that." not cool. nothing to be proud of at all. my prof reminds me all the time, "grace, it doesn't have to be perfect, you know! just hand it in on time!" i know. alas, this is one of my inner struggles. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
that's grace-flaw #94237 for ya.
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The "no excuse" rationale is right on, and I think many people go through that same internal struggle. Malcolm Gladwell had an interesting take on the underlying psychological thought process (with a couple of examples of professional athletes).
haha... he says it so much better than i do :P but that's exactly how i feel. thanks for the link.
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